the feeling or the know :: part 1

Molly recently told me that I am really good at relying on my instincts. I took it as a compliment, but it got me to thinking. I really do rely on how things make me feel. As I've grown in my faith, I definitely pray about things before making a decision... but often I rely on my heart for the feel or the know. Like, if I ask God to give me wisdom on making a decision... if my heart doesn't change or seem to be deterred even just a little... I trust that I'm making the right move.

Some of the best things in my life have happened via the feel or the know. For instance, when it comes to my closest friends, I can remember just knowing that they would be in my life forever. When Beth and I had only hung out a few times prior to me going on a trip to Europe with my mom... I came back and asked her,  

"Is it weird that I missed you? I think we're supposed to be best friends..." 

Thankfully, she agreed :) The night I met a guy that I would end up dating for a long time, I wrote in my journal:  

"He may not be around forever, but I  know he'll be around for a while." 

When I moved to Austin the first time, when I moved to Dallas, when I moved back to Austin. I just knew... I just knew it was what I needed to do. When Linda and I decided to live together... I knew it would be the best thing for me. When I interviewed for my job at IBAT, before I was offered the job or told how much the pay would be or when I would need to start, I told my now-bosses,  

"I don't know if you want to offer me this job or not, but just know that if you do, I will take it."

I make decisions quickly... and I jump in with both feet. It's my nature to give 110% to the things in life I feel like I should do... the things I'm supposed to do. Whether serving in ministry, relationships, jobs, cities, buying a car or computer, heck... even buying a prom dress... I commit and commit quickly. I'm what some would call passionate.

To be honest, this passionate reality scares me. It scares me that my heart seems so easily swayed... so quick to decide. It scares me that I will somehow lose everything I've learned as soon as I meet the next guy. It scares me that I will dive into something and then struggle from it consuming me. It scares me to be passionate.

But, at the same time, I trust the passionate Sarah. I trust that it's God leading my heart. I trust that He's made me this way... even though I don't quite understand it. Looking back over the last 29 years, I don't think that having the feeling or the know has led me too far astray. In fact, I think the times where I go most off of course is when I try to push back the feeling or the know. I've learned the hard way to trust the feeling when I need to walk away... when I need to doubt... when I need to question... when I need to fight.

In part 2 of this post, I'll fill you in on the latest struggle to be passionate. Probably all of this will make better sense... :)