the feeling or the know :: part deux

To make a really long story as short as I can, I'm starting to look for a house. I've been wanting to buy my own place for as long as I can remember. Beth claims that even in college, I would talk about buying a house. I love homes of all kinds. I love saving ideas for my future home. I will love making a house a home.

I recently, totally on a whim, decided to get pre-qualified for a home loan. Little did I know that about 2 weeks later I would randomly decide to answer a casting call for HGTV's "My First Place"...

Now, before you all either roll your eyes or get hyped with excitement... I'm NOT going to be on TV. The casting director and I became fast friends (met her this past weekend in Denver!)... and she was sure I'd be chosen. However, HGTV was satisfied with the number of stories they had received and stopped the call, quite abruptly. My casting director wasn't even able to submit my video. Bummer.

However, through the whole process of going through the interviews for this show, I just kept on praying that I was doing the right thing. That I wasn't buying a house to just be on TV, or to get a free room makeover at the end of the show... I wanted to do it because it was the right time, because it was God giving me the thumbs up. But, after all was said and done, and the show was completely out of the mix... I still had the feel or the know that I am really ready to have a place of my own... and that this is where God is leading me.

I was supposed to go look for the first time yesterday afternoon, but a dead car battery deterred me from doing so. It took everything in me, in my moment of frustration, to not think that "this was a sign". But, I am ready. I feel like God has brought me to a place where now is the time. Now, my now may not be God's now... but never-the-less, I feel like I'm supposed to start this journey.

It petrifies me that I'm considering doing this. I constantly doubt myself... my feeling or know... but I feel like I'm supposed to trust that. To trust that it's from God. It's a huge struggle to have to do a heart-check like every 30 minutes when I think about it. When it comes to this... I definitely have "the fear of the Lord". :)

So that's that. A few months ago, I told some of my close friends, "it feels like something BIG's about to happen... I don't know what it is... but I think it's going to be BIG." I guess it's a wait and see thing now!!

Would appreciate any prayers as I'm still discerning God's plan in all of this... I don't want to be swayed with my own desires over His calling.