practice... i don't like practice...

I've never been good at practicing. I played the flute (go ahead and laugh all you want) for 7 years and barely picked it up outside of band practice. I played the piano for 8 years and still have trouble playing with both hands. I played tennis... and was awful. I've tried to run, but don't want to practice enough to get through the tough period.

Here's my problem... I want to be good. Right off the bat. I don't want to have to practice... I don't want to have to work at it. I just want to be good. If I'm good, I have the motivation to get better. The sad thing is that there is very little I can do "good" right from the get-go. 

My whole life, I've been really good at a few things... 2 of which I'll mention here. I was good at dancing. I enjoyed it, it came naturally, and I always wanted to push myself to be better. And, I was really good at eating. I love eating. I love food. My boss says I'm the resident taste-tester in my office. It's kind of ridiculous how much I love food. When I was younger, I would eat a whole large pizza and then go to Drill Team practice, and never gain an inch. It.was.awesome. Fast forward to being 30...

Now, for a little humiliation on my part. Confession: I've gained a good 20 pounds in the past 2 years. That's 10 pounds a year. It's ridiculous. And, I've been battling a lot with self-esteem/confidence. This is not my ploy to try to get compliments, so please don't! Luckily, I have lots of clothes that can hide the bulges, etc. At any rate, I've done a lot of praying over this weight gain. I felt like the best way for me to approach the Throne was to just be completely honest with God... and myself. Here's what I came up with...

- I depend on food. I like it. It makes me feel good. When I'm bored, I eat. 
- I'm extremely lazy.
- I want to be back to my old weight/size so bad.
- I have motivation, but I don't have drive.
- I try to do too much on my own.

One of the biggest hurdles I had to leap through was praying about why I wanted to lose weight. It was my biggest fear that the whole reason would be because I was comparing myself to other women. I won't lie... I sometimes find myself falling into that trap. But, at the heart of the matter, I really feel like I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy... regardless of what the scale says. I know that if I am healthy, then I will be much more confident. 

I've noticed that when my confidence is low, I turn to other things to help build it back up. To say it another way, I become needy. And mostly, I end up eating more... which doesn't make anything better.

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul. - 3 John 1:2

I firmly believe that. When I feel good, it's like my heart grows a little. I laugh more, I appreciate more, I'm more thankful, I see more beauty, I don't instantly reject the Goodness of God... my heart just feels bigger.


I'm praying to have the drive to be healthy. But not only physically healthy, but soul healthy. I'm praying to accept practice. That I'm not going to get my results after one good meal and work out. I'm praying for a different kind of patience. I want to include Jesus in every bit of this journey. Because, I know that if I don't, I will fail. I've failed before... and I don't want to fail anymore.

Besides the all-important and necessary-to-succeed prayer, I've also:

  • consulted a nutritionist. I need someone to say "Um, Decker... you eat WAY too much pasta." or "Excuse me, you know there are such things as vegetables!" I need accountability with my diet. Not just to lose weight for right now, but to maintain a healthy diet for the rest of my time on this earth. I'm really looking forward to hear what she has to say...
  • working out. Ok, I took a week off last week... but I'm back on the horse. Even though I currently feel like poo. So you know how Danny in Grease was able to try out all of those different sports until he landed on the fact that he liked track? Yeah, it would be AWESOME to have one of those type situations in the real world. You see, I've always wanted to find something that I enjoy doing... because I do NOT enjoy going to a gym. I think I've found my niche though... it's called Barre. It's a toning, strengthening, major calorie burning method of work out. And, it's a mix between Ballet and Pilates technique. I finished my 5th class today... and it really is an incredible work out. Besides the fact that my nose is running like crazy, I do feel really good. I like this workout so much, I'm thinking of investing in 6 months or a year of classes. that.is.huge.people.
  •  realized nothing is going to happen today. This is going to take time. And even giving myself a goal-date isn't going to really happen. I don't want to set myself up for a fall... but rather, I want to stay encouraged.
  • spending time in the Word. Yes, to find strength. But also to really search my heart. I know that there are some layers of idolatry that are feeding away. And those layers will keep on stacking, and growing, and suffocating unless I seek Jesus to do a work in me. I can.not. do this alone... and I, frankly, don't want to.
So. There you have it. It's time for change. It's time for a healthy soul and a healthy heart. It's time to practice. It's time for success over failure. Let's do this.


man o' man

seriously. where.did.august.go? it FLEW by before I could even blink. August was a BIG month for this girl... one thing in particular that came into fruition, that is in the works, yet established at the same time. something that I'm totally teasing you to keep reading my blog to find out more about... in a few weeks. :) tease!

so, while you're {maybe} guessing what in the world I could "announce", I'll leave you with what my August was filled with...

LOTS of work. Starting, tying up and completing projects. Exciting stuff to say the least, but nothing that anyone in blog world would really want, or care, to know about... so I'll spare you.

a few FUN work things though... our CEO asked the VP team to join him for a day on the lake. Just a day to chill and hang out with each other... it was fab... and much needed.

a trip to San Angelo for a clay shoot. we took our cooker to cook for the bankers. we had not one, but two, flat tires on the cooker. and when i say cooker, picture a massive smoker for bbq, as well as burners for cooking big pots of beans and potatoes. after a 6 hour trip that should've taken 3 hours... we got to work, cooked, served and got on the road as soon as possible. it was a long day, but LOTS of quotable moments that won't make sense to anyone that doesn't know my co-workers :)

a trip to Kansas City for board meetings. it was so fun to see this city through the eyes of those that live there. we visited Grand Central Station there in KC... it is BEAUTIFUL.

a double quincenera. yes. you read correctly. Becca turned 30. and it was her DREAM to have a double quincenera... so we did. it.was.phenomenal. i hosted it at my house... which led me to do LOTS of small updates to the house. I definitely marked a few of my to-do things off the list... but more on that later. at any rate, we had a blast. it was complete with giving Bex an iPad for her birthday... a flash mob... a photo booth... toasts... and just all around fellowship with friends! 

Lindsay - me - Olivia
partaking in the photo booth awesomeness

Bex with the official Birthday mascot - a one-legged Ken

n.y.c. oh yes. mom, Deb, Kitty and I all took a mother-daughter/girls trip to NYC! we had a BLAST... the MET, lunch at the Boathouse, 5 Napkin Burger, incredible dinners, Top of the Rock, Sister Act, Central Park, Harlem, Columbia, St. John of the Divine, Grant's Tomb, Hell's Kitchen, Ellis Island, Battery Park... we packed in our time while there!

view of Central Park

Mom was SO HYPED to see the Hello Deli... aka a Letterman Landmark

Decker ladies with Lady Liberty herself

view of Manhattan from Ellis Island

freedom is goodness.

the sistas!
me - mom - Deb - Kitty

inside Ellis Island. it is beautiful

Freedom Tower. at the World Trade Center site

flag at Ellis Island

exterior of Ellis Island... I was getting all kinds of inspired

the.best.burger.ever. 5 Napkin Burger. If you're in NYC... go. don't ask questions.

Columbia University

St. John of the Divine Cathedral in Harlem

Mom's Birthday cake :)

making our Dad's proud...