Here's my problem... I want to be good. Right off the bat. I don't want to have to practice... I don't want to have to work at it. I just want to be good. If I'm good, I have the motivation to get better. The sad thing is that there is very little I can do "good" right from the get-go.
My whole life, I've been really good at a few things... 2 of which I'll mention here. I was good at dancing. I enjoyed it, it came naturally, and I always wanted to push myself to be better. And, I was really good at eating. I love eating. I love food. My boss says I'm the resident taste-tester in my office. It's kind of ridiculous how much I love food. When I was younger, I would eat a whole large pizza and then go to Drill Team practice, and never gain an inch. It.was.awesome. Fast forward to being 30...
Now, for a little humiliation on my part. Confession: I've gained a good 20 pounds in the past 2 years. That's 10 pounds a year. It's ridiculous. And, I've been battling a lot with self-esteem/confidence. This is not my ploy to try to get compliments, so please don't! Luckily, I have lots of clothes that can hide the bulges, etc. At any rate, I've done a lot of praying over this weight gain. I felt like the best way for me to approach the Throne was to just be completely honest with God... and myself. Here's what I came up with...
- I depend on food. I like it. It makes me feel good. When I'm bored, I eat.
- I'm extremely lazy.
- I want to be back to my old weight/size so bad.
- I have motivation, but I don't have drive.
- I try to do too much on my own.
One of the biggest hurdles I had to leap through was praying about why I wanted to lose weight. It was my biggest fear that the whole reason would be because I was comparing myself to other women. I won't lie... I sometimes find myself falling into that trap. But, at the heart of the matter, I really feel like I want to lose weight because I want to be healthy... regardless of what the scale says. I know that if I am healthy, then I will be much more confident.
I've noticed that when my confidence is low, I turn to other things to help build it back up. To say it another way, I become needy. And mostly, I end up eating more... which doesn't make anything better.
Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul. - 3 John 1:2
I firmly believe that. When I feel good, it's like my heart grows a little. I laugh more, I appreciate more, I'm more thankful, I see more beauty, I don't instantly reject the Goodness of God... my heart just feels bigger.
I'm praying to have the drive to be healthy. But not only physically healthy, but soul healthy. I'm praying to accept practice. That I'm not going to get my results after one good meal and work out. I'm praying for a different kind of patience. I want to include Jesus in every bit of this journey. Because, I know that if I don't, I will fail. I've failed before... and I don't want to fail anymore.
Besides the all-important and necessary-to-succeed prayer, I've also:
- consulted a nutritionist. I need someone to say "Um, Decker... you eat WAY too much pasta." or "Excuse me, you know there are such things as vegetables!" I need accountability with my diet. Not just to lose weight for right now, but to maintain a healthy diet for the rest of my time on this earth. I'm really looking forward to hear what she has to say...
- working out. Ok, I took a week off last week... but I'm back on the horse. Even though I currently feel like poo. So you know how Danny in Grease was able to try out all of those different sports until he landed on the fact that he liked track? Yeah, it would be AWESOME to have one of those type situations in the real world. You see, I've always wanted to find something that I enjoy doing... because I do NOT enjoy going to a gym. I think I've found my niche though... it's called Barre. It's a toning, strengthening, major calorie burning method of work out. And, it's a mix between Ballet and Pilates technique. I finished my 5th class today... and it really is an incredible work out. Besides the fact that my nose is running like crazy, I do feel really good. I like this workout so much, I'm thinking of investing in 6 months or a year of classes. that.is.huge.people.
- realized nothing is going to happen today. This is going to take time. And even giving myself a goal-date isn't going to really happen. I don't want to set myself up for a fall... but rather, I want to stay encouraged.
- spending time in the Word. Yes, to find strength. But also to really search my heart. I know that there are some layers of idolatry that are feeding away. And those layers will keep on stacking, and growing, and suffocating unless I seek Jesus to do a work in me. I can.not. do this alone... and I, frankly, don't want to.